thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
