Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
