I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
