i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
