What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
