So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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