He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
3pm strippers are depressing
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
