Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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