She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize