she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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