She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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