bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
