She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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