i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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