are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
