Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
