Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
