There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
