please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
