im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
