the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
