You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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