There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
