my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
