Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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