Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
