I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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