It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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