your thong is hanging out like whoa
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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