thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
