not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
