We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
