now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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