So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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