I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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