so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
