i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
