3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
