the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
