my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
