Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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