i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
