Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
