I hate your face
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
