you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
