Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
