I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
