I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
