Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
