There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
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