Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
