I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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