in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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