sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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