True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
And then he peed in my hair
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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