Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
