i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
