if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
