dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
