then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
