You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You work out of a Hotel?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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